Death By Bacon

…And no, I’m not talking heart attacks (that’s why I cook mine in a George Foreman — more bacon, less death). Below, you will find unfaltering that, once the tension rises to armed conflict and the Great Omnivore-Carnivore Wars break out, it won’t be cannibalism that wins it for our side. Oh no. It’ll be bacon (which is, coincidentally, often held responsible for bringing people back to the side of the meat-eaters. It’s kind of like the anger, fear, and aggression that lead to the Dark Side of the Force, which, as we all know, is far superior to the Light Side.).

That’s right. It’s a BACON FLAME THROWER. You self-righteous Vegan types better watch the fuck out. Your puny cucumber got nothin’ on my meat! But don’t worry: after I torch your ass, I’ll shove some bacon down your throat while the flame broils your flesh like a Whopper, so at least you die happy.

Now, I realize that there are some of you out there who do eat meat, just not bacon. I call you “Jews.” And while I can at least appreciate and respect your adherence to your strict religious moral code, and absolutely admire your strong, Jewish willpower, I just want to know what kind of God is so wrathful as to be forbid this succulent, salty, hickory-smoked pleasure from ever crossing your lips (a number of you out there are saying, “Well, the Old Testament G-d,” or, “My G-d, bitch,” to which I say…well played). Still, as far as religious laws go, I find this baffling. Take pre-marital sex: at least in case, you can still indulge in the pleasures of the flesh after marriage, if you want to stay moral about it. Why can’t bacon get a stipulation like that? I think bacon should strike up a deal with the G-man. Maybe something like, “If someone is willing to have their foreskin chopped up in front of their entire fucking family, you’ll let them him/her eat bacon,” or maybe…no, that sounds good to me.

Unless someone else has a better idea?

Suck My Benedict

Not too long ago, we reported on the Pope’s public disapproval of online social networking. Pope Benedict XVI — you remember, used to be in the Hitler Youth? Man, I just can’t get enough of that one — made a few hilarious comments about the sinful nature of teh Intarwebz (“If the desire for virtual connectedness becomes obsessive, it may in fact function to isolate individuals from…healthy human development.” Thanks, bro. Can I call you bro? I don’t know where I’d be without your OFFICIAL DECLARATION). You may have also heard about the excommunication of several Catholic Bishops, including Dick Williamson (can I call you Dick?), who were apparently tight with Mel Gibson’s Daddy and liked to shoot the shit over a few beers while denying that the fucking Holocaust happened (there was also some nonsense about an unauthorized ordination that actually set the whole thing off, but that’s beside the point). Anyway, Benedict finally removed the stain left by that Papal smear and lifted the excommunication.

Nice guy, right? Except that some people were (understandably) pretty pissed about the whole thing. And by some people, I mean Jews. Now, I’m well aware that most young adult males in Germany around the time of World War II were forced to enlist, but that admission totally ruins the irony and ensuing hilarity and generally fucked-up-ed-ness of a former member of the Hitler Youth and leader of the Catholic Church pardoning a gang of Holocaust deniers. Ahem.

Of course, none of this crossed the mind of our dear old Pope (who is, in fact, the oldest Pope to ever be Pope’d) until after the fact. Oh…whoops? Now, less than 2 months later, Benedict has admitted his mistake (which makes me wonder — when the Pope goes to Reconciliation, who does he confess his sins to?). But he didn’t stop there! As he realized the error of his ways, Benedict learned the hard way about the power of The Intarwub:

• “I have been told that consulting the information available on the Internet would have made it possible to perceive the problem early on.” (how eloquent and politically neutral! Good boy!)

Benedict goes on to say that the Holy See (which is apparently the name given to the Pope’s domain and which sounds so terribly, terribly grammatical ignorant even though it isn’t) “…will have to pay greater attention to that source of news.”

To this, of course, the collective consciousness of World Wide Net-o-web responded:

p0p3 = pwn3d

(also, 0111010001001010010010110101111001)

Rootless Cosmopolitans

I’m sure you are as tired of Notorious’s fluff pieces as I am. Kid Rock and Fred Durst are both idiots and we didn’t need to waste web space to reaffirm that.

I’m The Rootless Cosmopolitan. I got sick of living in Connecticut, so I moved to Tucson, Arizona. When that got old I moved back to CT. When that bored me, I moved to Brooklyn, NY where I no reside. In this moment, I can safely say I’m never leaving. I’ve never felt more at home than in NY.

So why do you care? Oh right, because I’m a Jew and this gives you the right to question my loyalty to anything and everything. Rootless Cosmopolitan was a term used by Stalin and his anti-Semitic campaign. The Jews have no loyalty to any country in which they reside, thus they are not to be trusted. You’ll have to excuse us if we don’t have ties to places that treated us poorly or just threw us out after a few hundred years. This isn’t the first instance of this type of accusation. It had a similar place in the Dreyfus Affair and most recently, Rudy Giuliani used it against Barak Obama. Giuliani earns creativity points, but he’s not doing anything to dispell myth that Italian-Americans are all big dumb idiots (did I mention I’m one of those, too? Just in case you were beginning to trust me). The term has since been replaced by “zionist,” a since bastardized concept which I’ll touch on in a future post (don’t worry, you’ll be offended).

Yes, I moved to New York because I needed a little more action in my life. You’ve got me there. Does this make me rootless? I came back to the northeast after my stay in Tucson to be closer to family and friends, all based around the quaint suburban Connecticut town I grew up in. A town I both love and loathe, and don’t pretend you don’t feel the same way about your town. How’s that for roots?

So what if I’m a little cosmopolitan. You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t make enough money to afford a new car, so I move to a city where I don’t need one. I’m well aware that this green shit is all the rage these days, but you know damn well it’s practical, especially in NYC, and I’m a short train ride from the folks that brought me into this world. So what if I enjoy living in places where there is stuff to do all the time? So what if I enjoy living in places where I can actually find work that stimulates me? I’m just a selfish person I guess. No loyalty either.

I harbor no ill will towards my friends and family that have elected to stay in suburbia or in the towns where they grew up. I’m mostly happy that they’ve found a situation that works for them, but aren’t I entitled to figure out what works for me?

To be fair, moving to NY has just increased my own internal anti-Semitism. I’ve always had a disdain for Jews (and don’t call me a fucking “self-hating Jew,” whatever the fuck that means. I love Judaism and I love myself, both to an alarming extent) and it’s only increased with being in NY. Somewhere along the lines, people got the idea that simply living in NYC made you a better Jew. Way to back up the whole “cosmopolitan” thing folks. I’m sure it’s the same in Brookline or other excessively Jewy places.

What’s Jewy? It’s a way to describe folks on a scale, versus “Jewish” which is binary: you’re either Jewish or you’re not. None of this Half-Jewish crap. I only have one Jewish parent, but I’m Jewish. Only dumbass Americans would try to make some conceptual like national heritage into a pie chart. I would consider myself, pretty Jewy: I read too much leftist Jewish news, I try to incorporate traditions, practices, and thinking into my daily life. If Joe Doenstein doesn’t do anything to engage in Jewish life, it doesn’t make him any less Jewish, just less Jewy. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Sort of…

Guess what folks, if you’re going to be Jewish, you have to do something about it. I’m not going to be preachy here, I don’t care what you do about it, but you have to do something. It’s active. Not passive. Don’t give me that “I’m a cultural Jew” or “I’m a secular Jew” bullshit. Engage in the culture then. And recognize that the “culture” you’re choosing to identify with is a result of centuries of traditions and practices that descend from what it meant to be Jewish in past years. If you’re going to insist “I’m of Jewish descent,” and not do a damn thing about it, that’s fine. But if you must claim to be a Jew, you have a responsibility to do something. ANYTHING. Stop pretending it’s a fucking cool kids club with your little fucking membership card. I don’t care what camp you went to, what youth group you were in, or that your last name has a Germanic, Polish or Russian ending.

Oh, so you know a little Yiddish? Learn more than the derogatory terms for non-Jews (because saying “shiksa” and “goy” is no different from saying “nigger,” don’t kid yourself. Ignorance is not becoming on you). Learn the damn language. Love “Jewish” foods? Everyone does, but it’s not substance. Did you know most Jewish foods exist because of A. a ritual requirement or B. were really just absorbed from the surrounding cultures. Don’t you feel so Jewish now? Reinforcing negative stereotypes doesn’t make you a good Jew. Hurts to hear it, doesn’t it?

Guy who tells me snobbily that he’s “whole Jewish” after hearing of my mixed descent but then proceeds to refer to his girlfriend as a shiksa? You’re embarassing the Jews, putting your girlfriend down, and acting ignorant. Stop.

I remember a friend telling me about how proud he was to attend some [probably good-intentioned but pointless] Israeli pride parade in New York and snobbily remarking that “of course we’re on [this street], we own most of it!” You’re acting arrogant. If the basis of your Jewish pride is based on Jewish wealth and prosperity, than we need to have a talk about substance.

All of you, you’re just insulting yourself and pissing me off. Take a little responsibility for educating yourself. Please? For this angry Jew?

Ex-Fried Chicken?

I’ll be completely honest: I’m trouble coming up with witty things to say about this. I really want to say something clever but, well, I’m pretty sure it speaks for itself.

While I realize that I’m inadvertently marketing them by showing this, which is something I’d rather not to do, I simply had to show this. If Jesus were still in his tomb, he’d be rolling over in it now. More than likely, he’s too busy partying like a Rock star up in H-town to really notice.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Jesus, being the political revolutionary that he was, is a-ok with rebels. Moving on…

No. Actually, you’re not. (Because slavery ended in America almost 150 years ago. Not because he’s black, which, ya know he is)

This is the only shirt that comes in Unisex. Hee-hee.

Man, why you gotta let those bitches know you settled down? You got yo’ girl, she know you faithful, ain’t that good enough? Shit, yo.

…’cause that’s really such a bad thing? Mariah Carey’s going to hell, I guess!

Lest I remind you that Jesus hung out with, and in fact defended prostitutes many times in his life. Besides, you see that smile? Those be dick-suckin’ lips.

NO ONE IS THIS HAPPY WHEN THEY’RE NOT GETTING LAID.

…have you READ the Book of Leviticus? No? Oh, okay. Nevermind then. You just keep dancing.

“Newly Agnostic.” Also, how come the “a” in “atheist” is lowercase, when all the other shirts have capital letters? At least have some brand consistency here!

And the winner, ladies and gentleman…

I’m quite torn: as much as I’d prefer not to support this group any more than I already have, I am tempted to shell over $10 and buy this shirt because, well, quite frankly, it’s fucking hilarious. Think of all the friends you’d make, all the great conversations you could have, and all of the beautiful women you could pick up at the bar (or you’d be ostracized from the whole of society when some little old lady stops you on the train and says, “If masturbation is cool, you can call me Miles Davis!“). It kind of reminds me of the time I gave up masturbation for Lent.

I mean, wait, what? Oh hey.

Maybe this is just how they deal with the fact that African-American heritage month is the shortest month of the year. I mean, damn, someone found a way to screw the black man out of equal rights and honor and celebrate him at the same time! Let me tell ya, that’s somethin’ (hell, even the women get more days than that).