An 18% tip? ‘Suck My Dick, Fuck Face’ Should Work

You know how they say that Europeans don’t know how to tip? Now you know the truth:

This bill comes from Joe Delucci’s Italian Restaurant in Bird Street, Lichfield, Staffordshire. How very British. The owner claims that the message was intended only for the kitchen staff, and that he has no idea how it ended up on the bill. Though they apologized profusely to the patrons (who paid a whopping £284.68, which only included a 10% gratuity. Can they adjust accordingly?), I think I’d still be pissed if I were them — even if it wasn’t MEANT to be on the check, “Suck My Dick Fuck Face” was still said by the restaurant in reference to them.

And they think we’re assholes in America….

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Although, speaking of being assholes in America, I was at a Red Sox game recently, and the beer prices were absolutely insane. But here’s the catch: Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Bud Lite, Bud ‘Heavy’ (as some Neanderthal called it) all cost $7.25 for a cup. Guinness, Smithwick’s, Harp, Sam Adams Lager, Sam Adams Seasonal, and Harpoon IPA all cost $7.75. Amstel Lite and Heineken also cost $7.75, because apparently they qualify as “Premium” beers (side anecdote: I did a order a Bud Lite at one point, but just said ‘Bud’ because all they had at that specific station. The woman directed me elsewhere for a ‘Bud Heavy,’ and I told her ‘Lite’ was fine, but I couldn’t help but wonder how many people at a Red Sox game are that adamant about Bud ‘Heavy’ versus Bud Lite. Is there THAT big of a difference?). Naturally, it’s a baseball game, and I want to get drunk, so I bought the beer despite its steep price tag, and naturally, I splurged 50 cents more to get the “Premium” shit.

But I didn’t tip.

Maybe this does make me an American asshole. I realize that the people slinging the beer don’t set the prices, but I’m already paying twice as much for a beer as I’d pay at a normal bar, which is already about 5 times what I’d pay at a liquor store, but especially with a job and a bank account like mine in an economy like this, I need every dollar I can spare (for more beer). My girlfriend, who works in the service industry, was quite irate when she learned of my refusal to tip, but I just couldn’t help it. So now, I turn to you, dear culturefuckers:

Sensationalism Hits Sexist Fucktards, Too

It’s official: the boys’ club that is culturefuck has been invaded. By vaginas.

As the pioneering female contributor for this fine amalgam of snarky, webular wit, I feel it’s my duty to warn culturefuck’s female readers (or femmy dude readers, whatever) that I am no feminist. I love women in the way that has all you non-femmy dudes feeling your pants tighten around the crotch, the same way Jason Mewes loves women – for their titties. I also love men, mostly for their peens. But that’s beside the point.

As anyone who’s ever gone to junior high or listened to Avril Lavigne knows, girls suck. I won’t deny this. In fact, I would even go so far as to say I dislike most women. I actually think that joke about what you say to a woman with two black eyes is pretty funny. Which makes the rest of this post fairly hypocritical, so if that bothers you, I suggest you leave now. But I have a bone to pick with one of the many Boston publications that, day by day, engineers its own failure through the use of shoddy journalism and poor copy editing. (It’s true – local print news with integrity is becoming increasingly hard to find. But hope is out there.)

What the fuck, Metro? Have you gotten your datelines confused? This is not 1956, nor are today’s news seekers, no matter how barely literate they may be (they are, after all, reading the Metro) likely to tolerate the blatant display of misogyny that littered your pages this morning. I’m talking, of course, about the headline “Recession Hits Women, Too,” emblazoned across an interior spread as well as the Metro website, both of which, I might add, suffer from some pretty heinous design issues. Plus the newsprint makes my fingers dirty.

For serious? This article was written by a woman? Well, Heidi Patalano, your screaming headline fails on two fronts: it’s offensive, and besides that, it doesn’t even provide an accurate preview of the article’s content (I mean, it does in a certain way, but more on that later). No shit the fucking GLOBAL RECESSION affects women too, being that they make up more than half of the population of our financially depressed earth. The article goes on to explain that women have actually been more affected by the economic downturn than men, due to factors like the prevalence of women in home care and part time jobs. Why couldn’t the headline reflect those interesting statistics? Could it be that the incredibly rapid drop in the success of your publication has led you to let sensationalism slide past editorial, hoping you’ll garner more readers with this shit?

But what’s more, and what’s probably worse, is the logic of the chosen headline in relation to the article’s sidebars. While the body of the piece focuses on the working woman, the supplemental materials add that the demand for women’s shelters due to domestic abuse has gone up significantly in recent years. Ohhh, I get it, Heidi Patalano. “Recession Hits Women, Too?” That’s clever. Because the staggering and extremely serious national/global issue of intimate partner violence pretty much boils down to hitting women, right? I mean, it wouldn’t be all that harmful to simplify it like that. That’s not how these things are allowed to go unnoticed and become epidemic-sized problems or anything. I’m sure the play on words was just irresistible to a wordsmith like you. Cunt.

Ah, well. It’s not like anyone reads newspapers anymore, anyway. Maybe when the Metro goes under (right), Heidi Patalano can get a job as a nanny or caretaker for the elderly and find out just how hilarious it is to get raped by the economy.

It’s fun to stay at the F-R-A-T, It’s fun to stay at the…

This is one of those moments where you think, “Uh…thanks? Cool? I guess?” In case you can’t quite tell what’s going on, the University of Chicago chapter of Alpha Delta Phi took it upon themselves to piss off Ted Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church aka These Fuckers Almost Make Hitler Look Like a Care Bear (Except That They Haven’t Committed Any Acts of Genocide As Far As I Know, So That’s Actually a Terribly Unfair and Moderately to Extremely Tasteless and Ignorant Comparison, But I Hope It Drives the Point Home Regardless) by imitating the Village People and dancing like big gay stereotypes. So way to go, Frat Boys*, for combating prejudice and stereotypes by…reinforcing stereotypes.

The Westboro Baptist Church once similarly protested a performance of The Laramie Project in Boston’s South End, and in case the pink borders on the South End wiki website didn’t make it clear, the only way to avoid being the gayest thing since gay came to Gaytown is by actually being Gaytown; enter the South End (I mean, if you really want to enter the South End, that’s cool with me. Really. I won’t judge you. Hell, I lived there for 2 years. They have lots of nice gardens, and all of the bars make very strong drinks despite the apparent lack of women in their demographic). See, the WBC believes that the killing of Matthew Shepherd in fact had nothing to do with his sexuality, but rather, it was a strictly gang-related act of retaliation for some drug deal in which he was involved. The mere fact that it was said to be a hate crime is, apparently, further proof of the vast, insidious conspiracy known only as The Homosexual Agenda. Unfortunately for the Westboro Baptists (is that like Southern Baptist?), only about 5 people showed up, as opposed to the 250+ Counter-Protesters. Even better is that, in an effort to undermine the efforts of the church, a number of gay philanthropists have started pledging money for every minute that these protests continue. In the end, these 5 lonely homophobes spent a mere 45 minutes raising $5,000+ for pro-LGBT causes. GO TEAM. Way to stick it to the (gay) man.

*Then again, what do I know? I am, by most definitions, a “Frat** Boy” myself. Except that mine is a co-ed professional arts/communication fraternity, which means that more than half of my fraternity consists of chicks, and that more than half of the remaining are gay themselves. We once prided ourselves on being the only fraternity that could spoon without being too gay.

**And it’s called it a FRATERNITY. Would you call your country a cunt? Didn’t think so.

Rootless Cosmopolitans

I’m sure you are as tired of Notorious’s fluff pieces as I am. Kid Rock and Fred Durst are both idiots and we didn’t need to waste web space to reaffirm that.

I’m The Rootless Cosmopolitan. I got sick of living in Connecticut, so I moved to Tucson, Arizona. When that got old I moved back to CT. When that bored me, I moved to Brooklyn, NY where I no reside. In this moment, I can safely say I’m never leaving. I’ve never felt more at home than in NY.

So why do you care? Oh right, because I’m a Jew and this gives you the right to question my loyalty to anything and everything. Rootless Cosmopolitan was a term used by Stalin and his anti-Semitic campaign. The Jews have no loyalty to any country in which they reside, thus they are not to be trusted. You’ll have to excuse us if we don’t have ties to places that treated us poorly or just threw us out after a few hundred years. This isn’t the first instance of this type of accusation. It had a similar place in the Dreyfus Affair and most recently, Rudy Giuliani used it against Barak Obama. Giuliani earns creativity points, but he’s not doing anything to dispell myth that Italian-Americans are all big dumb idiots (did I mention I’m one of those, too? Just in case you were beginning to trust me). The term has since been replaced by “zionist,” a since bastardized concept which I’ll touch on in a future post (don’t worry, you’ll be offended).

Yes, I moved to New York because I needed a little more action in my life. You’ve got me there. Does this make me rootless? I came back to the northeast after my stay in Tucson to be closer to family and friends, all based around the quaint suburban Connecticut town I grew up in. A town I both love and loathe, and don’t pretend you don’t feel the same way about your town. How’s that for roots?

So what if I’m a little cosmopolitan. You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t make enough money to afford a new car, so I move to a city where I don’t need one. I’m well aware that this green shit is all the rage these days, but you know damn well it’s practical, especially in NYC, and I’m a short train ride from the folks that brought me into this world. So what if I enjoy living in places where there is stuff to do all the time? So what if I enjoy living in places where I can actually find work that stimulates me? I’m just a selfish person I guess. No loyalty either.

I harbor no ill will towards my friends and family that have elected to stay in suburbia or in the towns where they grew up. I’m mostly happy that they’ve found a situation that works for them, but aren’t I entitled to figure out what works for me?

To be fair, moving to NY has just increased my own internal anti-Semitism. I’ve always had a disdain for Jews (and don’t call me a fucking “self-hating Jew,” whatever the fuck that means. I love Judaism and I love myself, both to an alarming extent) and it’s only increased with being in NY. Somewhere along the lines, people got the idea that simply living in NYC made you a better Jew. Way to back up the whole “cosmopolitan” thing folks. I’m sure it’s the same in Brookline or other excessively Jewy places.

What’s Jewy? It’s a way to describe folks on a scale, versus “Jewish” which is binary: you’re either Jewish or you’re not. None of this Half-Jewish crap. I only have one Jewish parent, but I’m Jewish. Only dumbass Americans would try to make some conceptual like national heritage into a pie chart. I would consider myself, pretty Jewy: I read too much leftist Jewish news, I try to incorporate traditions, practices, and thinking into my daily life. If Joe Doenstein doesn’t do anything to engage in Jewish life, it doesn’t make him any less Jewish, just less Jewy. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Sort of…

Guess what folks, if you’re going to be Jewish, you have to do something about it. I’m not going to be preachy here, I don’t care what you do about it, but you have to do something. It’s active. Not passive. Don’t give me that “I’m a cultural Jew” or “I’m a secular Jew” bullshit. Engage in the culture then. And recognize that the “culture” you’re choosing to identify with is a result of centuries of traditions and practices that descend from what it meant to be Jewish in past years. If you’re going to insist “I’m of Jewish descent,” and not do a damn thing about it, that’s fine. But if you must claim to be a Jew, you have a responsibility to do something. ANYTHING. Stop pretending it’s a fucking cool kids club with your little fucking membership card. I don’t care what camp you went to, what youth group you were in, or that your last name has a Germanic, Polish or Russian ending.

Oh, so you know a little Yiddish? Learn more than the derogatory terms for non-Jews (because saying “shiksa” and “goy” is no different from saying “nigger,” don’t kid yourself. Ignorance is not becoming on you). Learn the damn language. Love “Jewish” foods? Everyone does, but it’s not substance. Did you know most Jewish foods exist because of A. a ritual requirement or B. were really just absorbed from the surrounding cultures. Don’t you feel so Jewish now? Reinforcing negative stereotypes doesn’t make you a good Jew. Hurts to hear it, doesn’t it?

Guy who tells me snobbily that he’s “whole Jewish” after hearing of my mixed descent but then proceeds to refer to his girlfriend as a shiksa? You’re embarassing the Jews, putting your girlfriend down, and acting ignorant. Stop.

I remember a friend telling me about how proud he was to attend some [probably good-intentioned but pointless] Israeli pride parade in New York and snobbily remarking that “of course we’re on [this street], we own most of it!” You’re acting arrogant. If the basis of your Jewish pride is based on Jewish wealth and prosperity, than we need to have a talk about substance.

All of you, you’re just insulting yourself and pissing me off. Take a little responsibility for educating yourself. Please? For this angry Jew?

bawitdabeer: Kid Rock Saves the Economy

Sure, talks of “The Economy” fill your ears at every dinner, pub, and bus stop in America. Everywhere you go, someone is complaining or criticizing the state of things, rarely offering input or suggestions but simply acknowledging its decay instead. That is why, in times like these, America needs a true patriot. A warrior.

Enter: Robert James Richie.

Kid Rock has just revealed the Stimulus Plan to end all Stimulus Plans, and it starts and ends with one of my favorite things: beer. Okay, well, technically it starts with one of my least favorite things, Kid Rock, but still. He gets points for helping the economy, and for beer.

While I assume that “bawitdabeer” won’t make the cut for branding (damn! So close!), the job of naming Kid Rock’s very own brand of craft beer will be only 1 of 400 jobs that Kid Rock’s new brewery is reportedly going to open up to the public. Kid Rock will be working in coordination with Michigan Brewing, which brings us such beers as “Big Mac” and “Peninsula Porter” and a bunch of other types I’ve never even heard of (and trust me, I know some obscure shit when it comes to beer). Says head brewer/owner Bobby Mason, “[Kid Rock is] working on designing the beer, he’s giving me direction, he’s tasting the beers. It’s his idea, it’s his concept. I’m just working with him to make it happen.” Mr. Mason apparently plans on investing $7 million dollars in the project, and the company has already received a tax credit for $722,957 from the state of Michigan.

Personally, I’m pretty curious to see how this turns out; after spending 48 hours in Virginia this week, I finally understand where all of the people that buy albums by Kid Rock and Nickelback and watch NASCAR live (answer: still not far enough away from me), and considering the target marketing demographic, I’m not sure if craft beer is actually the way to go on this. Remember Budweiser American Ale from 3 months ago, Budweiser’s lame attempt to cash in on the craft beer trend? A friend of mine offered the best review: “You know how Budweiser tastes like beer-and-piss-flavored water? This tastes kind of like good-beer-and-piss-flavored water.” Despite their efforts, I found Budweiser American Ale on clearance discounts at every bar I went to by Thanksgiving of last year, and that’s in the Northeast, where craft beer is generally considered desirable. Imagine the reaction that they had in the rest of the country?

Regardless of the kind of beer that he produces, Kid Rock’s (apparently) remarkable patriotism doesn’t stop there. He recently produced an ad, in conjunction with the National Guard, which I was unfortunate enough to witness before a screening of “Slumdog Millionaire.”

First, the music video (the song is available for download for free at the National Guard’s website, if you sign up for their mailing list. So basically, it’s not worth it, even as a joke. Trust me. I tried).

As I walked into the movie theater, the video was already playing, and quite frankly, I found it hilarious. Kid Rock went as far as to pull a Justin Timberlake and make a complete mockery of himself, as well as the National Guard!

But then, at the end of the video, I realized something: there was nothing ironic about this. It was completely fucking serious.

A poetry reading, courtesy of culturefuck:

• So Don’t Tell Me Who’s Wrong And Right
  When Liberty Starts Slipping Away
  And If You Ain’t Gonna Fight
  Get Out Of The Way
  ‘Cause Freedom Ain’t So Free
  When You Breathe Red White And Blue
  I’m Givin’ All Of Myself ‘Cause That’s What I Do

  And They Call Me Warrior
  They Call Me Loyalty
  They Call Me Ready To Provide Relief And Help
  I’m Wherever You Need Me To Be
  I’m an American Warrior
  Citizen Soldier
  I’m an American Warrior
  Citizen Soldier

  Citizen Soldier

  I’d Never Leave Another Behind
  I Will Never Accept Defeat
  I’m A Soldier In War, Civilian In Peace
  ‘Cause Freedom Ain’t So Free
  When You Breathe Red White And Blue
  I’m Givin’ All Of Myself, How Bout You?

  And They Call Me Warrior
  They Call Me Loyalty
  And They Call Me Ready To Deploy,
  Engage And Destroy,
  I’m Wherever You Need Me To Be

  I’m An American Warrior Citizen Soldier

Aside from the fact that I’ve never heard anyone refer to somebody in the Armed Forces as a “warrior,” I couldn’t help but notice how much this song resembles what I would write as a parody of a country song. Compare it to “Freedom Isn’t Free,” from Team America:

• What would you do
  If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom
  What would you do
  If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice

  Would you think about all them people
  Who gave up everything they had.
  Would you think about all them War Vets
  And would you start to feel bad

  Freedom isn’t free
  It costs folks like you and me
  And if we don’t all chip in
  We’ll never pay that bill
  Freedom isn’t free
  No, there’s a hefty fuckin’ fee.
  And if you don’t throw in your buck ‘o five
  Who will?

  What would you do
  If someone told you to fight for freedom.
  Would you answer the call
  Or run away like a little pussy
  ‘Cause the only reason that you’re here.
  Is ’cause folks died for you in the past
  So maybe now it’s your turn
  To die kicking some ass

  Freedom isn’t free
  It costs folks like you and me
  And if we don’t all chip in
  We’ll never pay that bill
  Freedom isn’t free
  Now there’s a have to hook’in fee
  And if you don’t throw in your buck ‘o five
  Who will?

  You don’t throw in your buck ‘o five. Who will?
  Freedom costs a buck ‘o five

In the end, this leaves me kind of confused about Kid Rock; is he mocking his fanbase? Is he a patriot? Does he realize he’s being ironic, or is he just stupid? I’m about 3 beers too deep to make any solid conclusions on the matter, but when it all comes down, this is American culture. And it is fucked.

Obamanation: The Original Techno Remix

Barack Obama is tired of your Motherfucking shit and of your Motherfucking snakes on your Motherfucking Plane

That’s right; you heard it here first.

Ex-Fried Chicken?

I’ll be completely honest: I’m trouble coming up with witty things to say about this. I really want to say something clever but, well, I’m pretty sure it speaks for itself.

While I realize that I’m inadvertently marketing them by showing this, which is something I’d rather not to do, I simply had to show this. If Jesus were still in his tomb, he’d be rolling over in it now. More than likely, he’s too busy partying like a Rock star up in H-town to really notice.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Jesus, being the political revolutionary that he was, is a-ok with rebels. Moving on…

No. Actually, you’re not. (Because slavery ended in America almost 150 years ago. Not because he’s black, which, ya know he is)

This is the only shirt that comes in Unisex. Hee-hee.

Man, why you gotta let those bitches know you settled down? You got yo’ girl, she know you faithful, ain’t that good enough? Shit, yo.

…’cause that’s really such a bad thing? Mariah Carey’s going to hell, I guess!

Lest I remind you that Jesus hung out with, and in fact defended prostitutes many times in his life. Besides, you see that smile? Those be dick-suckin’ lips.

NO ONE IS THIS HAPPY WHEN THEY’RE NOT GETTING LAID.

…have you READ the Book of Leviticus? No? Oh, okay. Nevermind then. You just keep dancing.

“Newly Agnostic.” Also, how come the “a” in “atheist” is lowercase, when all the other shirts have capital letters? At least have some brand consistency here!

And the winner, ladies and gentleman…

I’m quite torn: as much as I’d prefer not to support this group any more than I already have, I am tempted to shell over $10 and buy this shirt because, well, quite frankly, it’s fucking hilarious. Think of all the friends you’d make, all the great conversations you could have, and all of the beautiful women you could pick up at the bar (or you’d be ostracized from the whole of society when some little old lady stops you on the train and says, “If masturbation is cool, you can call me Miles Davis!“). It kind of reminds me of the time I gave up masturbation for Lent.

I mean, wait, what? Oh hey.

Maybe this is just how they deal with the fact that African-American heritage month is the shortest month of the year. I mean, damn, someone found a way to screw the black man out of equal rights and honor and celebrate him at the same time! Let me tell ya, that’s somethin’ (hell, even the women get more days than that).