…And no, I’m not talking heart attacks (that’s why I cook mine in a George Foreman — more bacon, less death). Below, you will find unfaltering that, once the tension rises to armed conflict and the Great Omnivore-Carnivore Wars break out, it won’t be cannibalism that wins it for our side. Oh no. It’ll be bacon (which is, coincidentally, often held responsible for bringing people back to the side of the meat-eaters. It’s kind of like the anger, fear, and aggression that lead to the Dark Side of the Force, which, as we all know, is far superior to the Light Side.).
That’s right. It’s a BACON FLAME THROWER. You self-righteous Vegan types better watch the fuck out. Your puny cucumber got nothin’ on my meat! But don’t worry: after I torch your ass, I’ll shove some bacon down your throat while the flame broils your flesh like a Whopper, so at least you die happy.
Now, I realize that there are some of you out there who do eat meat, just not bacon. I call you “Jews.” And while I can at least appreciate and respect your adherence to your strict religious moral code, and absolutely admire your strong, Jewish willpower, I just want to know what kind of God is so wrathful as to be forbid this succulent, salty, hickory-smoked pleasure from ever crossing your lips (a number of you out there are saying, “Well, the Old Testament G-d,” or, “My G-d, bitch,” to which I say…well played). Still, as far as religious laws go, I find this baffling. Take pre-marital sex: at least in case, you can still indulge in the pleasures of the flesh after marriage, if you want to stay moral about it. Why can’t bacon get a stipulation like that? I think bacon should strike up a deal with the G-man. Maybe something like, “If someone is willing to have their foreskin chopped up in front of their entire fucking family, you’ll let them him/her eat bacon,” or maybe…no, that sounds good to me.
Unless someone else has a better idea?
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