It’s that time of year again.
Warm weather sneaks through the clouds. The snow melts away only to return with a light dusting the next day. The sunshine is destroyed by a torrential downpour that is gone within 8 minutes. And 3 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies have finally arrived on my door step.
I salivate at the thought alone. Too bad I ate all my Tagalongs on the first day. Damn my lack of self-control! As my gluttony got the best of me, however, a few things came to my attention.
Like, why has no one successful been able to reproduce Girl Scout cookies to available year round?
The potential profit there is enormous Everyone loves Girl Scout cookies, and when they’re available, people buy them en masse. Research into the Official Girl Scout Cookies Website (yes) reveals that the cookies are a product of one of two bakeries: Little Brownie, and ABC Smart. Unfortunately, both companies sell exclusively through the Girl Scouts. An honorable notion, sure, but a damn foolish business model!
You want to know how to jump start the economy and get people spending again? GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. There, I said it. Try to prove me wrong.
Bailout plans aside (mmm, Tagalongs), what really struck me upon the delivery of these boxes to my home was an apparent inconsistency in cookie nomenclature. While I’ve clearly revealed my own personal passion for Tagalongs (mmmmm, Tagalongs), I’m also well aware of the popularity of Samoas. What? They’re called Caramel Delites now? Why, that’s ridiculous! Something about the term Samoa being offensive? Preposterous! What could possibly be offensive about the flavorful combination of coconut, caramel, and chocolate, other than that their name exploits that of a delightful indigenous island culture?
In a street survey of over 3,000 people*, 92.7% reported that they were aware of some controversy surrounding the name change from “Samoa” to “Caramel Delites,” mainly due to the explosion of political correctness in the 1990s. 99.8% said that they still call the cookies “Samoas” regardless. Because they are delicious. Just like Samoans.
Allow me to rewind the story to November, when my lovely older sister e-mailed a bunch of people to tell us that her Girl Scout troop was selling cookies. No, she’s not IN the Girl Scouts still, she’s the Den Mother, or Queen Bee, or whatever else the leader is called. I, in turn, being the wonderful brother that I am, sent out an All-Staff e-mail at my job, which saw a rapid response; it also caused a brief fall out between me and co-worker in another department whom I still haven’t met, who apparently sells Girl Scout cookies for a troop that she sponsors as well.
I felt kind of bad about creating this conflict, but I saw no real need for competition: my sister sponsors a Girl Scout troop in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, and my co-worker in Newton, MA. Which one needs the money from the cookie sales more?
Or, more importantly: why did the caramel-coconut-chocolate-delicious cookies from Newton arrive in boxes labeled “Caramel Delites,” while the caramel-coconut-chocolate-delicious cookies from Crown Heights arrive in boxes labeled “Samoas?”
Could it be that the Girl Scouts had a surplus of “Samoa” boxes that pre-dated the name change, and figured that poor, low-income African-American children wouldn’t mind, or wouldn’t be able to tell the difference? Of course they would distribute the politically correct boxes in Newton, Massachusetts. They wouldn’t want to offend any of the uppity rich white Democrats, would they?
The Girl Scout’s law** states:
I will do my best to be
Honest and fair,
Friendly and helpful,
Considerate and caring,
Courageous and strong, and
Responsible for what I say and do,
And to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.
Pawning of the political incorrect boxes on low-income African American girls? I’d hardly call that fair, considerate, responsible, or respectful.
But then again, I write for a site called “culturefuck,” so what do I know?
*I made this up.
**The Girl Scout motto is “Be Prepared.” Way to blatantly rip off of the Boy Scouts there. At least pretend to claim some originality and dependence, instead of relying of the men! Isn’t that in part what you’re about?
Now, my research into the bakeries responsible for these culinary delights (is it still culinary when they’re baked, not cooked?)
Several notes regarding Girl Scout cookies:
1) There has not been a controversy regarding the name “Samoas” on Girl Scout cookie boxes, contrary to what you may think. Having just purchased three boxes of Samoas this morning actually (I have 3 sisters who are currently Girl Scouts), and having seen boxes marked “Caramel Delites” as early as junior year of high school, it should be noted that they have never tried to “phase out” the boxes labeled “Samoas.” The truth lies in one of the statements you yourself made: there are TWO factories that make Girl Scout cookies. One of these factories labels their caramel-coconut-wonderfulness cookie “Samoas” and the other labels them “Caramel Delites.” So it really comes down to where you are in the country, aka which factory is making your cookies.
2) In some places/stores it actually is possible to buy Girl Scout cookies all year round. I’ve seen such a phenomenon in a shop in PA.
3) The reason why most Girl Scouts do NOT sell Girl Scout cookies all year round, is honestly they have better shit to do. If the entire purpose of the Girl Scouts was to sell cookies, they would just be a small business, and have no time for any events of real value. They sell the cookies to raise money for other aspects of scouting, such as camping trips, craft supplies, and vacations to Europe (two of my sisters have been raising money for such a trip for over a year, and are going with a large group of Girl Scouts, all in high school, in July). The point of being a Girl Scout isn’t just to sell cookies for your benefit.
4) Smart troops/troop moms order waaaaaaaaaaay more cookies than are requested specifically by friends/neighbors/family on the scouts’ order sheets. Very rarely do these extra boxes go unsold. The three boxes I purchased this morning were such extra boxes. I,living in another state and not knowing that I would be around when cookies came in, did not order any during the initial ordering period. Luckily, my sisters’ troop mother (aka my mom) always orders extras, and so when I made a surprise visit back home, was able to purchase cookies, even though I had not ordered them months ago. In this way, troops are able to continue selling cookies for months, after most of their customers have run out of their favorites in much the same way you did, culturefuck.
5) Don’t ever talk shit about the Girl Scouts again. I’ll cut you.