Rites of Passage or, Why I Am Awesome

Anyone who’s ever read culturefuck can attest to the fact that it’s mostly just a self-important sounding board for extreme, hyperbole-laden opinions on things that most people probably don’t care about which the authors have spent entirely too much time thinking about. Coincidentally, this is also why culturefuck is important, and brilliant, and beautiful, and sexy. But until recently, there was something missing — Anonymous Internet Slander, the cultural significance of which is clearly demonstrated in the diagram below:

Previously, culturefuck had fucked culture both loudly and vigorously (and usually missionary style), but still remained under the radar of these so-called “Internet Fuckwads.” While some culturefuckers and other internet aficionados might breathe a sigh of relief at this, I was in fact quite bothered by it. To me, the presence of an Internet Fuckwad is a marking, a rite of passage, that verifies one’s existence on the World Wide Interweb. Simply put: if your online presence (whatever it may be) has garnered enough attention that another human being (see: Internet Fuckwad) is uncontrollably compelled to register on your website with the specific intention of anonymously slandering you, you have proven yourself worthy. Whether you are a blog, or a band, or a web comic, or anything else, your significance to the vast annals of the internet does not matter, until a person has found him and herself so overcome by jealousy and rage that he or she must strike at you anonymously through the internet: only then have you truly made it.

Ladies and gentlemen: culturefuck has finally made it.

At 6:58pm on Saturday, March 14, we fell victim to our very first Internet Fuckwad. This Internet Fuckwad goes by the name of “spastic,” which is terribly, terribly clever. With an IP address of 81.106.102.13, “spastic” hails from the East Sussex region of the United Kingdom, and is apparently a HUGE fan of U2 (because apparently Irish-English rivalry and tension just isn’t what it used to be). Here’s the rest of the info based on the IP Address search, which may or may not be accurate:
OLO Management Group
Dawn Darbon
NTL House
Bartley Wood Business Park
RG27 9UP Hook, Hampshire
UNITED KINGDOM
+44 1256 753583

What I find most amusing about this whole thing is that, of all the posts here on culturefuck — you know, the ones about Gays, and Jews, and Asians, and the Pope, and Starving African Children — it was the one about U2 that offended someone so much that it inspired him or her to take action (albeit anonymously). Up until this point, I had never actually encountered a single person who really cared about U2 beyond the casual enjoyment of a few songs.

So thank you, “spastic,” for being a spastic and anonymous Internet Fuckwad. This whole thing would have never been possible without people like you to get pissed off at things I say and then post anonymously about it. I’ll make sure to include you affectionately in the acknowledgments of the culturefuck hardcover coffee table book, whenever that finally comes out.