bawitdabeer: Kid Rock Saves the Economy

Sure, talks of “The Economy” fill your ears at every dinner, pub, and bus stop in America. Everywhere you go, someone is complaining or criticizing the state of things, rarely offering input or suggestions but simply acknowledging its decay instead. That is why, in times like these, America needs a true patriot. A warrior.

Enter: Robert James Richie.

Kid Rock has just revealed the Stimulus Plan to end all Stimulus Plans, and it starts and ends with one of my favorite things: beer. Okay, well, technically it starts with one of my least favorite things, Kid Rock, but still. He gets points for helping the economy, and for beer.

While I assume that “bawitdabeer” won’t make the cut for branding (damn! So close!), the job of naming Kid Rock’s very own brand of craft beer will be only 1 of 400 jobs that Kid Rock’s new brewery is reportedly going to open up to the public. Kid Rock will be working in coordination with Michigan Brewing, which brings us such beers as “Big Mac” and “Peninsula Porter” and a bunch of other types I’ve never even heard of (and trust me, I know some obscure shit when it comes to beer). Says head brewer/owner Bobby Mason, “[Kid Rock is] working on designing the beer, he’s giving me direction, he’s tasting the beers. It’s his idea, it’s his concept. I’m just working with him to make it happen.” Mr. Mason apparently plans on investing $7 million dollars in the project, and the company has already received a tax credit for $722,957 from the state of Michigan.

Personally, I’m pretty curious to see how this turns out; after spending 48 hours in Virginia this week, I finally understand where all of the people that buy albums by Kid Rock and Nickelback and watch NASCAR live (answer: still not far enough away from me), and considering the target marketing demographic, I’m not sure if craft beer is actually the way to go on this. Remember Budweiser American Ale from 3 months ago, Budweiser’s lame attempt to cash in on the craft beer trend? A friend of mine offered the best review: “You know how Budweiser tastes like beer-and-piss-flavored water? This tastes kind of like good-beer-and-piss-flavored water.” Despite their efforts, I found Budweiser American Ale on clearance discounts at every bar I went to by Thanksgiving of last year, and that’s in the Northeast, where craft beer is generally considered desirable. Imagine the reaction that they had in the rest of the country?

Regardless of the kind of beer that he produces, Kid Rock’s (apparently) remarkable patriotism doesn’t stop there. He recently produced an ad, in conjunction with the National Guard, which I was unfortunate enough to witness before a screening of “Slumdog Millionaire.”

First, the music video (the song is available for download for free at the National Guard’s website, if you sign up for their mailing list. So basically, it’s not worth it, even as a joke. Trust me. I tried).

As I walked into the movie theater, the video was already playing, and quite frankly, I found it hilarious. Kid Rock went as far as to pull a Justin Timberlake and make a complete mockery of himself, as well as the National Guard!

But then, at the end of the video, I realized something: there was nothing ironic about this. It was completely fucking serious.

A poetry reading, courtesy of culturefuck:

• So Don’t Tell Me Who’s Wrong And Right
  When Liberty Starts Slipping Away
  And If You Ain’t Gonna Fight
  Get Out Of The Way
  ‘Cause Freedom Ain’t So Free
  When You Breathe Red White And Blue
  I’m Givin’ All Of Myself ‘Cause That’s What I Do

  And They Call Me Warrior
  They Call Me Loyalty
  They Call Me Ready To Provide Relief And Help
  I’m Wherever You Need Me To Be
  I’m an American Warrior
  Citizen Soldier
  I’m an American Warrior
  Citizen Soldier

  Citizen Soldier

  I’d Never Leave Another Behind
  I Will Never Accept Defeat
  I’m A Soldier In War, Civilian In Peace
  ‘Cause Freedom Ain’t So Free
  When You Breathe Red White And Blue
  I’m Givin’ All Of Myself, How Bout You?

  And They Call Me Warrior
  They Call Me Loyalty
  And They Call Me Ready To Deploy,
  Engage And Destroy,
  I’m Wherever You Need Me To Be

  I’m An American Warrior Citizen Soldier

Aside from the fact that I’ve never heard anyone refer to somebody in the Armed Forces as a “warrior,” I couldn’t help but notice how much this song resembles what I would write as a parody of a country song. Compare it to “Freedom Isn’t Free,” from Team America:

• What would you do
  If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom
  What would you do
  If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice

  Would you think about all them people
  Who gave up everything they had.
  Would you think about all them War Vets
  And would you start to feel bad

  Freedom isn’t free
  It costs folks like you and me
  And if we don’t all chip in
  We’ll never pay that bill
  Freedom isn’t free
  No, there’s a hefty fuckin’ fee.
  And if you don’t throw in your buck ‘o five
  Who will?

  What would you do
  If someone told you to fight for freedom.
  Would you answer the call
  Or run away like a little pussy
  ‘Cause the only reason that you’re here.
  Is ’cause folks died for you in the past
  So maybe now it’s your turn
  To die kicking some ass

  Freedom isn’t free
  It costs folks like you and me
  And if we don’t all chip in
  We’ll never pay that bill
  Freedom isn’t free
  Now there’s a have to hook’in fee
  And if you don’t throw in your buck ‘o five
  Who will?

  You don’t throw in your buck ‘o five. Who will?
  Freedom costs a buck ‘o five

In the end, this leaves me kind of confused about Kid Rock; is he mocking his fanbase? Is he a patriot? Does he realize he’s being ironic, or is he just stupid? I’m about 3 beers too deep to make any solid conclusions on the matter, but when it all comes down, this is American culture. And it is fucked.

The End is EXTREMELY FUCKING NIGH

Just last week, former Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland — you remember, the creepy guy with scary black contacts who was strangely the only redeeming quality of that band — said in an interview that, “I have no plans on working with Limp again. It’s better for me for sure.” Unfortunately, it turns out Wes Borland (whose initial departure from the group was rumored to have been caused by what he felt was a lack of integrity and artistry coming from the band) is a GIANT FUCKING LIAR.

That’s right. Limp Bizkit announced on their website today that they are getting back together. Officially. Wes Borland and Fred Durst released a joint statement (can you do that? Does that I have to attribute quotes to both of them? They couldn’t even split it up by paragraphs? Did anyone call “Jinx” when they were apparently saying the same thing at the same time?) and revealed the reasons behind this reunion:

• “We decided we were more disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music than we were with each other. Regardless of where our separate paths have taken us, we recognize there is a powerful and unique energy with this particular group of people we have not found anywhere else. This is why Limp Bizkit is back.”

I’m going to repeat this one time, in case you (understandably) skimmed over that quote and didn’t catch it:
“We decided we were…disgusted and bored with the state of heavy popular music…this is why Limp Bizkit is back.”

So basically, Fred Durst, ever the martyr that he is, has essentially taken it upon himself to single-handedly save rock and roll. Will someone tell me what we did to deserve this? I thought the new guy in office was supposed to bring us hope, and change — not fucking nu-metal, the worst atrocity to music since Journey. Just when my faith in the human race had finally been restored, the harsh truth of the imminent Eschaton is thrown in my face like acid. I realize this was not a democratic decision, but it doesn’t matter; neither was Noah’s flood.

And of course, this all comes on the heels of the (previously rumored right here on culturefuck, mind you) recently announced blink182 reunion (by the way — they bought their own URL just for that? Why?), and completely annihilates any and all positive emotions that may have resulted from that bit of news, and the accompanying warm weather (which is obviously a sign from The Powers That Be). But then I got to thinking: both blink182 and Limp Bizkit had their heyday around 1999, exactly 10 years ago. Therefore, the fact that they have been announced reunions within the same week cannot be mere coincidence.

No, ladies and gentlemen and culturefuckers: what we have here is a Timequake. “A what?” you ask, with that adorable, perplexed naivety with which you often address me. “A timequake,” I respond again with a condescending smile. This doesn’t necessarily help the situation, but it certainly helps me assert for vast superiority over you, and the great heap of empathy that comes with it.

Timequake is a novel by famed satirist/sci-fi novelist/all around great writer Kurt Vonnegut that I also entirely not-coincidentally first read in 1999. The genre of the book exists somewhere between a non-fiction memoir and pure science fiction — what began strictly as a fictional piece exploring determinism was later scrapped and salvaged and combined with a number of stream-of-consciousness anecdotes directly author, all of which run together into one bizarre but remarkably captivating narrative. Not that that matters, of course; what matters is the Timequake.

In the novel, a Timequake serves as the initial catalyst for action. It is a quantum physical slash meta fictional phenomenon that thrusts the entire world 10 years back and time and forces people to re-live every action that they undertook in those ten years while still retaining all of the memories and knowledge of their future selves. Imagine repeating every mistake you’ve made in the last 10 years, knowing full well that you’re going to make it again, and that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

If the reunions of blink182 and Limp Bizkit are any indication, we are indeed entering — if not, already living through — a Timequake. And what better twisted co-conspirators to manipulate events and arrange such a phenomenon? What other evil masterminds would possibly think that they could somehow benefit from re-living 10 years of history? Why, let’s think: Dick Cheney. George W. Bush. Fred Durst.

So enjoy the last ten years again while you still can; hopefully, once we return to the regular linear timestream in 10 years time, we can pick up whole hope and change thing right where we left it and finally get to work.

Unless of course, we’re all paralyzed by ennui, or finally lose it and decide to blow our own brains out after we hear Limp Bizkit again.

Obamanation: The Original Techno Remix

Barack Obama is tired of your Motherfucking shit and of your Motherfucking snakes on your Motherfucking Plane

That’s right; you heard it here first.

Ex-Fried Chicken?

I’ll be completely honest: I’m trouble coming up with witty things to say about this. I really want to say something clever but, well, I’m pretty sure it speaks for itself.

While I realize that I’m inadvertently marketing them by showing this, which is something I’d rather not to do, I simply had to show this. If Jesus were still in his tomb, he’d be rolling over in it now. More than likely, he’s too busy partying like a Rock star up in H-town to really notice.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that Jesus, being the political revolutionary that he was, is a-ok with rebels. Moving on…

No. Actually, you’re not. (Because slavery ended in America almost 150 years ago. Not because he’s black, which, ya know he is)

This is the only shirt that comes in Unisex. Hee-hee.

Man, why you gotta let those bitches know you settled down? You got yo’ girl, she know you faithful, ain’t that good enough? Shit, yo.

…’cause that’s really such a bad thing? Mariah Carey’s going to hell, I guess!

Lest I remind you that Jesus hung out with, and in fact defended prostitutes many times in his life. Besides, you see that smile? Those be dick-suckin’ lips.

NO ONE IS THIS HAPPY WHEN THEY’RE NOT GETTING LAID.

…have you READ the Book of Leviticus? No? Oh, okay. Nevermind then. You just keep dancing.

“Newly Agnostic.” Also, how come the “a” in “atheist” is lowercase, when all the other shirts have capital letters? At least have some brand consistency here!

And the winner, ladies and gentleman…

I’m quite torn: as much as I’d prefer not to support this group any more than I already have, I am tempted to shell over $10 and buy this shirt because, well, quite frankly, it’s fucking hilarious. Think of all the friends you’d make, all the great conversations you could have, and all of the beautiful women you could pick up at the bar (or you’d be ostracized from the whole of society when some little old lady stops you on the train and says, “If masturbation is cool, you can call me Miles Davis!“). It kind of reminds me of the time I gave up masturbation for Lent.

I mean, wait, what? Oh hey.

Maybe this is just how they deal with the fact that African-American heritage month is the shortest month of the year. I mean, damn, someone found a way to screw the black man out of equal rights and honor and celebrate him at the same time! Let me tell ya, that’s somethin’ (hell, even the women get more days than that).