RealTouch: Virtual Sex is Now Reality

Yes, that’s right. Virtual Sex is Now Reality. Let’s try that once more with feeling: VIRTUAL SEX IS NOW REALITY. The future of masturbation is here, and yours for only $149.95 (plus shipping and handling). 30-day Risk-free Trial! Available for gay and straight men alike. Oh boy! (boys?)

It’s like this: you plug the USB cable from the RealTouch into your computer and it interfaces with advanced Haptic technology. This allows you to experience whatever sexual sensations might be happening in the porn that you’re watching. You can FEEL your porn–set it to mouth, hand, vagina, anus, two hands, foot, ear, nose, whatever. REALTOUCH DOES IT ALL.

Did I mention it was developed by former NASA engineers?

A friend did point out one troublesome detail: there is no receptacle for your manjuices. You still have to clean up afterward. According to the website, a simple rinse-and-air-dry will do the trick (just make sure you rinse it out before you lend it to a friend. That’d be even weirder than crossing streams). Perhaps they’re saving such a feature for RealTouch v2.0? On the bright side, I guess it reduces the risk of staining your favorite shirt. This FAQ insists that, while you can wear a condom if you so desire, it is by no means necessary. Maybe you can try it with those Numbing Sensation condoms so you can last longer?

Unfortunately, the “Testimonials” (hee-hee. Testes) and “Tips & Tricks” sections of the website are still under construction. The video is entirely worth watching, however, as the congenial spokesperson tries ever-so-hard to mask her discomfort while saying things like, “RealTouch mimics authentic blowjobs, anal sex, vaginal sex, handjobs, footjobs, and just about any sexual sensation you can imagine. The haptic technology present in RealTouch also recreates more subtle nuances such as the feel of a woman when she squirts during intercourse. This is one-of-a-kind technology designed to make sure that you get the most authentic sexual experience possible, however you like it,” with the endearing monotone of late night infomercial hosts. Seriously, you’d think she was talking about a Hoover vacuum or something (actually, I guess she kind of is).

So there you have it. I have seen the future. And it’s really fucking horny.