I decided to take another one of these stupid fucking tests for lack of anything better to do while I sit here and get paid (I could finish reading Dubliners, but why be productive?) This time, I took the Religion test. I like to think I’ve got a pretty good idea of what’s going on there–I was raised in an Irish Catholic family, with a mother who taught (religion, no less) at a private all-girls Catholic school (side note: I’m still kind of pissed that she left right when I was going into 8th grade), and I try to stay as well-read as possible on everything else. Hell, my roommates and I are hosting a “Bible Stories for Grown-Ups” party in the coming weeks (which, while exciting, is nothing compared to the “Too Soon” party I threw, where you had to come dressed up like something that it’s too soon to make a joke about. Surprisingly, there weren’t any Holocaust or 9-11 costumes, but there were 6 Jon-Benet Ramseys and 2 Coat-Hangar Abortions). Even though I’m not very good with practicing any religion, it’s still a topic that fascinates me.

Sorry, I got distracted by a phone call from a Jew. Where was I?

Right. The Religion Test. And by religion, I mean Jew. The whole test was about the Jews. Jew Jew Jew. Jew Jewdy Jewdy Jewdy Jewdy Jewd-ay! Na na nanana na! Nanana na! Hey Jewd! It ended up being quite difficult for me to complete the Jew test (hee-hee. Jew), and not just because I have severe ADHD (Mm. Adderall.) The first question was: “Please rate how warm or cold you feel towards the following groups: (1) Judaism (2) Other Religions.” First of all, this demonstrates poor grammar–Judaism is a thing, not a group. The group is the Jews (hee-hee. Group). Second of all, chances are, if I’m bigoted towards one religion, I’m probably going to be bigoted against others: hatred, like duos, always comes in pairs.

Don’t you love that word? “Bigot?” It’s just so…cute

So how am I suppose to rate my warmth towards “Other Religions” overall? I mean, I love Episcopalians and Lutherans and occasionally Catholics (although the Catholic Church as political figure rather than a group of people can totally suck it), and I find Hinduists (Hindians?) to be quite nice and dotted. I love Mormons as people, but their religion’s pretty fucked. Insert Scientology dig here.

Wait. Would Messianic Jews come under Judaism, or Other Religions? MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! YOU CAN’T CELEBRATE HOLIDAYS ABOUT WAITING FOR A MESSIAH WHO ALREADY CAME! It’s just so greedy; they get to celebrate every freaking holiday! And they don’t even share! Meanwhile, the poor Jehovah’s Witnesses got nothin’. Think Jesus would approve of that? NOT FUCKING LIKELY.

One thing that I do like about Jews (the regular flavored kind, not Messianic) more than any other religion–they don’t want you. The rest of us spend our histories fighting, recruiting, waging wars, and manipulating other people because we insist that we’re right, and that our religion is the only true religion. The Inquisition? Jihads? Jehovah’s Witnesses on a Saturday morning while your eating waffles in your underwear that your mom made for you (the waffles, not the underwear)? Fuck that. While the rest of us are busy fighting, the Jews say, “Well, we already know we’re God’s Chosen People, so we really don’t need your approval. In fact, we don’t think you deserve to be a Jew, even if you wanted to be one! Unless you try two more times, or at least ask nicely. Then we’d give in. But only if you’re lucky! And Chosen. Like us. The Jews.”

The rest of the first page of the Jew test (hee-hee. Jew), I was asked to rate the strength with which I agree or disagree with such statements as, “Because of my personal values, I believe that using stereotypes about Judaism is wrong” and “I attempt to appear nonprejudiced towards Judaism in order to avoid disapproval from others.” Now, as you can clearly tell by the tone of this entire entry, I have no problem being offensive for the sake of a laugh. If people overheard the conversations in which my friends and I engage, they’d probably lynch us.

But of course we never mean it. Come on! Judging people is fun! How else do you think I get through the day? It’s natural for us to judge; it’s acting upon those judgements that causes problems. I bet everyone at some point or another has felt nervous around, and maybe crossed the street to get away from a scary looking black dude, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a racist (but you probably are). You’re just an idiot because he was totally going to give you a million dollars and now you’re totally fucked because they cut your hours back at work thanks to the declining economy and you’re something like $120,000 in debt Sallie Mae, that heartbreaking hussy.

Of course, when a Jewish friend of mine says, “I really like this bacon,” and I call him “such a Jew,” it’s absolutely fucking hilarious. To us. Well, to me at least. I think he thinks it’s funny, too, or else he would’ve said something by now. Right?

I believe strongly in offending people of every race, religion, creed, gender, and sexual orientation, not because I like seeing people hurt, but because I think that these sensitive social taboos need to be exposed and put out in the open, rather than repressed; just because you can’t see or hear it, doesn’t mean it’s not there (like air! or Jews). Yes, there are plenty of bigots still left in the world, but you know what they say: “Bigots will be bigots,” no matter what you do. So you take that hate, and turn it into laughter. You reclaim those branding symbols and make them your own, like the pink triangle, or the ‘n’ word. And even if you’re not as conscious of socio-political advocacy as I, exposing taboos and unspoken truths is generally pretty fucking funny.

“I am personally motivated by my beliefs to be nonprejudiced towards Judaism.” Moderately disagree.