An 18% tip? ‘Suck My Dick, Fuck Face’ Should Work

You know how they say that Europeans don’t know how to tip? Now you know the truth:

This bill comes from Joe Delucci’s Italian Restaurant in Bird Street, Lichfield, Staffordshire. How very British. The owner claims that the message was intended only for the kitchen staff, and that he has no idea how it ended up on the bill. Though they apologized profusely to the patrons (who paid a whopping £284.68, which only included a 10% gratuity. Can they adjust accordingly?), I think I’d still be pissed if I were them — even if it wasn’t MEANT to be on the check, “Suck My Dick Fuck Face” was still said by the restaurant in reference to them.

And they think we’re assholes in America….

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Although, speaking of being assholes in America, I was at a Red Sox game recently, and the beer prices were absolutely insane. But here’s the catch: Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Bud Lite, Bud ‘Heavy’ (as some Neanderthal called it) all cost $7.25 for a cup. Guinness, Smithwick’s, Harp, Sam Adams Lager, Sam Adams Seasonal, and Harpoon IPA all cost $7.75. Amstel Lite and Heineken also cost $7.75, because apparently they qualify as “Premium” beers (side anecdote: I did a order a Bud Lite at one point, but just said ‘Bud’ because all they had at that specific station. The woman directed me elsewhere for a ‘Bud Heavy,’ and I told her ‘Lite’ was fine, but I couldn’t help but wonder how many people at a Red Sox game are that adamant about Bud ‘Heavy’ versus Bud Lite. Is there THAT big of a difference?). Naturally, it’s a baseball game, and I want to get drunk, so I bought the beer despite its steep price tag, and naturally, I splurged 50 cents more to get the “Premium” shit.

But I didn’t tip.

Maybe this does make me an American asshole. I realize that the people slinging the beer don’t set the prices, but I’m already paying twice as much for a beer as I’d pay at a normal bar, which is already about 5 times what I’d pay at a liquor store, but especially with a job and a bank account like mine in an economy like this, I need every dollar I can spare (for more beer). My girlfriend, who works in the service industry, was quite irate when she learned of my refusal to tip, but I just couldn’t help it. So now, I turn to you, dear culturefuckers:

Ladies and Gentyfriends, I present… FML Horse.

The Problem with Public Education

Dingus-o-deathmatron: When can objects commit suicide? Have we invented that yet?

FM Radio should be dead by now, but sadly, like leotards and opera,  it’s not. Here are seven completely unbiased, fair, and balanced journalistic observations about the medium, each in 140 characters or less (kind of like that twitter thing [why does everyone use that crap now, anyway? {I never even give a shit about what I am doing or thinking! (I wish I wasn't so lonely...)}]).

1. Hip hop and rock n’ roll should stay as far away from each other as spatially and conceptually as possible.

2. No matter how many times you play Zepplin, they will only be cool in that old-hairy-dad-mowing-the-lawn-in-a-tank top kind of way.

3. @radiodjs Just shut. the fuck. up. No one gives a shit about what you foreskins have to say.

4. I can only take so many commercials before I’d prefer that someone fuck my cochlea with a blow torch.

5. We can never make gay marriage legal because then everyone will want to marry NPR just for the benefits.

6. @mainstreamrap You sound like a fart.

7. @rushlimbaugh It will all make sense when you start dropping ecstasy again*

For the love of God (allegedly), just leave us alone. I’m sure the lepers would appreciate having you around…

//  y2_ganKster

*although Rush is on am radio (the even more lame kind of modulation), I felt that he deserved a shout-out.

Death By Bacon

…And no, I’m not talking heart attacks (that’s why I cook mine in a George Foreman — more bacon, less death). Below, you will find unfaltering that, once the tension rises to armed conflict and the Great Omnivore-Carnivore Wars break out, it won’t be cannibalism that wins it for our side. Oh no. It’ll be bacon (which is, coincidentally, often held responsible for bringing people back to the side of the meat-eaters. It’s kind of like the anger, fear, and aggression that lead to the Dark Side of the Force, which, as we all know, is far superior to the Light Side.).

That’s right. It’s a BACON FLAME THROWER. You self-righteous Vegan types better watch the fuck out. Your puny cucumber got nothin’ on my meat! But don’t worry: after I torch your ass, I’ll shove some bacon down your throat while the flame broils your flesh like a Whopper, so at least you die happy.

Now, I realize that there are some of you out there who do eat meat, just not bacon. I call you “Jews.” And while I can at least appreciate and respect your adherence to your strict religious moral code, and absolutely admire your strong, Jewish willpower, I just want to know what kind of God is so wrathful as to be forbid this succulent, salty, hickory-smoked pleasure from ever crossing your lips (a number of you out there are saying, “Well, the Old Testament G-d,” or, “My G-d, bitch,” to which I say…well played). Still, as far as religious laws go, I find this baffling. Take pre-marital sex: at least in case, you can still indulge in the pleasures of the flesh after marriage, if you want to stay moral about it. Why can’t bacon get a stipulation like that? I think bacon should strike up a deal with the G-man. Maybe something like, “If someone is willing to have their foreskin chopped up in front of their entire fucking family, you’ll let them him/her eat bacon,” or maybe…no, that sounds good to me.

Unless someone else has a better idea?

Wall of Sound, meet wall of… prison

Dear Phil Spector,

Way to go with the whole inventing modern music production thing. That’s awesome. Oh, and also great job on FUCKING KILLING SOMEBODY IN YOUR HOUSE, WALKING OUT WITH THE GUN, AND SAYING “I THINK I KILLED SOMEBODY” LOUDLY ENOUGH FOR THE NEIGHBOR TO HEAR. That’s inspired.

As a soon-to-be college graduate – which to date it had never occurred to me to equate with “unemployed” – I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. Namely, how do I get to where I want to be? The answer isn’t important. What’s important is what the fuck is the deal with people who are totally ALL SET doing really fucking stupid things and screwing it all up?

To-do list of wildly successful, happily retired music producer:
1. Don’t kill the hot actress I’m shacking up with!
2. Whatever else

What, Phil, did she lose that lovin’ feeling? Too bad instead of grabbing your bro and weeping about it you popped one in her face. Cause even with a bloodstain on the carpet, your big house is a lot better than the big house.

Maybe you got jealous of Michael Vick, TI, Paris Hilton, Martha Stewart, etc, etc, et-fucking-cetera, who were getting all the attention.

So really:

Dear Rich and Powerful,

Stop screwing it all up. Leave the murder, gun posession, dogfighting, drunk driving, and insider trading to those of us who need the free food. If you want butt sex, you can afford it.

In short, let it be.

Love and kisses,

The Culturefuckers

Sensationalism Hits Sexist Fucktards, Too

It’s official: the boys’ club that is culturefuck has been invaded. By vaginas.

As the pioneering female contributor for this fine amalgam of snarky, webular wit, I feel it’s my duty to warn culturefuck’s female readers (or femmy dude readers, whatever) that I am no feminist. I love women in the way that has all you non-femmy dudes feeling your pants tighten around the crotch, the same way Jason Mewes loves women – for their titties. I also love men, mostly for their peens. But that’s beside the point.

As anyone who’s ever gone to junior high or listened to Avril Lavigne knows, girls suck. I won’t deny this. In fact, I would even go so far as to say I dislike most women. I actually think that joke about what you say to a woman with two black eyes is pretty funny. Which makes the rest of this post fairly hypocritical, so if that bothers you, I suggest you leave now. But I have a bone to pick with one of the many Boston publications that, day by day, engineers its own failure through the use of shoddy journalism and poor copy editing. (It’s true – local print news with integrity is becoming increasingly hard to find. But hope is out there.)

What the fuck, Metro? Have you gotten your datelines confused? This is not 1956, nor are today’s news seekers, no matter how barely literate they may be (they are, after all, reading the Metro) likely to tolerate the blatant display of misogyny that littered your pages this morning. I’m talking, of course, about the headline “Recession Hits Women, Too,” emblazoned across an interior spread as well as the Metro website, both of which, I might add, suffer from some pretty heinous design issues. Plus the newsprint makes my fingers dirty.

For serious? This article was written by a woman? Well, Heidi Patalano, your screaming headline fails on two fronts: it’s offensive, and besides that, it doesn’t even provide an accurate preview of the article’s content (I mean, it does in a certain way, but more on that later). No shit the fucking GLOBAL RECESSION affects women too, being that they make up more than half of the population of our financially depressed earth. The article goes on to explain that women have actually been more affected by the economic downturn than men, due to factors like the prevalence of women in home care and part time jobs. Why couldn’t the headline reflect those interesting statistics? Could it be that the incredibly rapid drop in the success of your publication has led you to let sensationalism slide past editorial, hoping you’ll garner more readers with this shit?

But what’s more, and what’s probably worse, is the logic of the chosen headline in relation to the article’s sidebars. While the body of the piece focuses on the working woman, the supplemental materials add that the demand for women’s shelters due to domestic abuse has gone up significantly in recent years. Ohhh, I get it, Heidi Patalano. “Recession Hits Women, Too?” That’s clever. Because the staggering and extremely serious national/global issue of intimate partner violence pretty much boils down to hitting women, right? I mean, it wouldn’t be all that harmful to simplify it like that. That’s not how these things are allowed to go unnoticed and become epidemic-sized problems or anything. I’m sure the play on words was just irresistible to a wordsmith like you. Cunt.

Ah, well. It’s not like anyone reads newspapers anymore, anyway. Maybe when the Metro goes under (right), Heidi Patalano can get a job as a nanny or caretaker for the elderly and find out just how hilarious it is to get raped by the economy.

The Truth About Brownies

It’s that time of year again.

Warm weather sneaks through the clouds. The snow melts away only to return with a light dusting the next day. The sunshine is destroyed by a torrential downpour that is gone within 8 minutes. And 3 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies have finally arrived on my door step.

I salivate at the thought alone. Too bad I ate all my Tagalongs on the first day. Damn my lack of self-control! As my gluttony got the best of me, however, a few things came to my attention.

Like, why has no one successful been able to reproduce Girl Scout cookies to available year round?

The potential profit there is enormous Everyone loves Girl Scout cookies, and when they’re available, people buy them en masse. Research into the Official Girl Scout Cookies Website (yes) reveals that the cookies are a product of one of two bakeries: Little Brownie, and ABC Smart. Unfortunately, both companies sell exclusively through the Girl Scouts. An honorable notion, sure, but a damn foolish business model!

You want to know how to jump start the economy and get people spending again? GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. There, I said it. Try to prove me wrong.

Bailout plans aside (mmm, Tagalongs), what really struck me upon the delivery of these boxes to my home was an apparent inconsistency in cookie nomenclature. While I’ve clearly revealed my own personal passion for Tagalongs (mmmmm, Tagalongs), I’m also well aware of the popularity of Samoas. What? They’re called Caramel Delites now? Why, that’s ridiculous! Something about the term Samoa being offensive? Preposterous! What could possibly be offensive about the flavorful combination of coconut, caramel, and chocolate, other than that their name exploits that of a delightful indigenous island culture?

In a street survey of over 3,000 people*, 92.7% reported that they were aware of some controversy surrounding the name change from “Samoa” to “Caramel Delites,” mainly due to the explosion of political correctness in the 1990s. 99.8% said that they still call the cookies “Samoas” regardless. Because they are delicious. Just like Samoans.

Allow me to rewind the story to November, when my lovely older sister e-mailed a bunch of people to tell us that her Girl Scout troop was selling cookies. No, she’s not IN the Girl Scouts still, she’s the Den Mother, or Queen Bee, or whatever else the leader is called. I, in turn, being the wonderful brother that I am, sent out an All-Staff e-mail at my job, which saw a rapid response; it also caused a brief fall out between me and co-worker in another department whom I still haven’t met, who apparently sells Girl Scout cookies for a troop that she sponsors as well.

I felt kind of bad about creating this conflict, but I saw no real need for competition: my sister sponsors a Girl Scout troop in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, and my co-worker in Newton, MA. Which one needs the money from the cookie sales more?

Or, more importantly: why did the caramel-coconut-chocolate-delicious cookies from Newton arrive in boxes labeled “Caramel Delites,” while the caramel-coconut-chocolate-delicious cookies from Crown Heights arrive in boxes labeled “Samoas?”

Could it be that the Girl Scouts had a surplus of “Samoa” boxes that pre-dated the name change, and figured that poor, low-income African-American children wouldn’t mind, or wouldn’t be able to tell the difference? Of course they would distribute the politically correct boxes in Newton, Massachusetts. They wouldn’t want to offend any of the uppity rich white Democrats, would they?

The Girl Scout’s law** states:
I will do my best to be
Honest and fair,
Friendly and helpful,
Considerate and caring,
Courageous and strong, and
Responsible for what I say and do,
And to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.
Pawning of the political incorrect boxes on low-income African American girls? I’d hardly call that fair, considerate, responsible, or respectful.

But then again, I write for a site called “culturefuck,” so what do I know?

*I made this up.

**The Girl Scout motto is “Be Prepared.” Way to blatantly rip off of the Boy Scouts there. At least pretend to claim some originality and dependence, instead of relying of the men! Isn’t that in part what you’re about?

Now, my research into the bakeries responsible for these culinary delights (is it still culinary when they’re baked, not cooked?)

Nappy-headed Angels

Much like the Wu-Tang Clan, which ain’t nothin’ ta fuck wit’, I can’t really discern any way to culturefuck with the video below; quite frankly, it speaks for itself. Still, here it is, a celebration of culture to start your weekend, and proof that nappy hair is apparently more efficient than chainmail armor:

Helter Skelter, baby

California State Corrections Officials have released a new headshot of Charles Manson, the former Beach Boys collaborator who is facing a life sentence for threatening Dennis Wilson after not receiving proper royalty payments for music he had and eventually driving Brian Wilson to madness as a result.

That is why he’s in prison…right? Or maybe it had something to do with that whole “‘Helter Skelter’ foretells of a coming race war” thing he had going on. Either way, it doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is that The Boston Globe filed the article under “Arts & Entertainment: Theatre/Arts.”

So a recent photograph of a convicted mass murder/cultist/unofficial Beach Boy/Beatles Conspiracy Theorist…is apparently entertaining. Dare I say, theatrical! I don’t think I really have to point out to you all that is hilarious and wrong about this, although I’m sure there are a number of jokes about conspiracy cover-ups and media manipulation that are inherent in the situation.

That, or they confused the real-life Charles Manson with his stop-motion puppet counterpart:

Thanks, Boston Globe. And you wonder why you’re reportedly losing $1 million A DAY (which also makes me wonder why you’d publish your own article about the fact that you’re losing $1 million a day, but I guess that serious journalism comes at a serious cost)…